BRAWL AT GUILTY PLEASURES

By John Morgan
Of the Sun-Down Gazette

A fight broke out last night at one of the city’s most popular nightspots, Guilty Pleasures, the strip club owned and operated by Jean-Claude, Master Vampire of the City of St. Louis. The altercation involved a group of college students, and one of the club’s security guards, a man whose name was given as Primo. The fight began when Mr. Primo attempted to evict the student’s, all male, from the club, which features preternatural male strippers and has an almost entirely female clientele. One of the students punched the bouncer in the face, drawing blood.

Mr. Primo responded by rendering several of the students unconscious. Eyewitness Jessica Wade stated, “It was really scary, like he went crazy or something.” Efforts by other employees of the club to subdue Mr. Primo were not successful. Anita Blake, Jean-Claude’s Human Servant, was present at the time of the incident and brought Mr. Primo under control. Eyewitnesses were unclear as to Ms. Blake’s methods. Ms. Wade said, “I don’t know what she did, but somehow, she got him to stop beating on people. EMS and police were called to the scene.

By the time they arrived, Mr. Primo had departed the premises. The young men declined to press charges.

Jean-Claude stated, “This was but a minor incident. Primo was simply a little over-zealous in protecting the sensibilities of the ladies who visit my establishment.”

Vampire Run Businesses Major Attraction For St. Louis

by Darla Cook
contributor to the Sun-Down Gazette
The city of St. Louis has seen a major increase in tourism due to the influx of vampire run and owned businesses in St. Louis.

Jean-Claude, Master of the City of St. Louis owns several highly successful businesses that cater to night life (pun intended). Circus Of The Damned is family oriented and offers guests the opportunity to see many unusual and surprising acts reminiscent of the old Side Shows. Unlike the old sideshows, Circus Of The Damned does not tour. Open nightly at sunset. You and your family are invited to attend.

ANOTHER STRIPPER FOUND DEAD

Police Suspect Vampire Serial Killer
By Ginjer Buchanan
Of the Sun-Down Gazette
The body of a woman (her name is being withheld pending notification of her family) was found last night in a construction site behind The Sapphire Club, a local strip club. According to the clubs manager, the victim worked there as a dancer. Ginger Clark, another dancer at the Sapphire Club and an eyewitness, said, “It was so sad. I mean, you could tell she was dead; her body was just lying down there in that hole. But the weird thing is there wasn’t no blood, like She’d been all emptied out or something.”

The womans death was attributed to exsanguination as a result of multiple bite wounds. The woman, a blonde in her early twenties, allegedly bore a striking resemblance to Charlene Morresey, a stripper whose body was found earlier this week in an alley behind the dance club where she worked. Ms. Morresey also dies from extreme blood loss.

Sources in the Police Department suspect a vampire serial killer who preys on strippers may be at large. The Regional Preternatural Investigation Team (RPIT), under the supervision of Sergeant Zerbrowski, was called to the scene last night, as it had been when Ms. Morreseys body was discovered. Federal Marshal Anita Blake, a licensed Vampire Executioner, accompanied RPIT. Neither Zerbrowski nor Blake would comment to reporters, but a source at the coroners office reported that forensic measurements of the bite marks on the victim matched those from Ms. Morreseys body.

Jean-Claude, Master Vampire of St. Louis, had no comment on the possible involvement of vampires in the murders. Dr. Louisa Edwards, an expert on legal matters concerning the Undead, stated, Because of his position as Master Vampire of the city, Jean-Claude could be in a precarious legal situation if it is proven that the murders were committed by one of the vampires under his rule.

Advices to the Lovelorn

Ask Mina, your local relationship expert

Dear Mina,

I’m a single, white wererat, currently in a long-term committed relationship with a 20-something human woman named R.

Or at least I thought it was a committed relationship. Last week, I proposed to her and she turned me down! She says she’s happy with things the way they are. I suggested that we just live together, to see how compatible we are, but she turned that offer down too! She says she loves me, but that she doesn’t want to marry anyone, ever.

Mina, I really love this woman. But I’m an old-fashioned kind of guy, even though I do turn furry once a month. And I want traditional things. I thought R did too. She and her best friend no longer speak because the friend is involved in some pretty unconventional relationships, so I was really taken by surprise by her attitude towards marriage.

What should I do?

Furry and alone in Alton

Dear Furry,

It’s possible that your R is uncomfortable with your shape shifter status. I know from my very important work with the Coalition to offer Better Understanding Between Lycanthrope and Human Communities that even the most open-minded of humans can sometimes have blind spots they are aware of! I’d suggest that you give our a copy of my book When Someone You Love is a Lycanthrope. (Berkley Books, $13.95)

Of course it may also be that she just doesn’t want to get married…

Mina

Dear Mina,

I’m only 20 years old, but I already know that I’ve met the woman of my dreams. Unfortunately, she’s older than me and has several boyfriends, including one
who lives with us.(I guess I should mention that I live with her and sort of keep house for her.)

She’s human and I’m wereleopard, but I know that’s not the problem, since her other lovers include a wereleopard, a werewolf, and a vampire.

What can I do to make her see me as something other than just a kid who’s handy to have around?

N

Dear N,

Chapter 5 of my book Women Who Love Monsters And The Monsters Who Love Them (Berkley Books, $6.99) I discuss the situation very somewhere to the one that you find yourself in (except for the part about the housekeeping). It’s available in bookstores everywhere. I highly recommend it. It’s based on very important research I did while getting my Associates degree in Preternatural Relations from County Community College.

Good Luck!

Mina

Mina can answer your relationship questions every week. To contact Mina, send questions to www.saintlouissun-downgazette/askmina.com

Nuptial Notions

By Jessica Read of Woman About Town Detective Tammy Rynolds, a witch who solves preternatural crimes, and Larry Kirkland, an Animator and Vampire Slayer, recently made their love and commitment to each other official during a simple, traditional ceremony. 
      The bride wore a stunning white dress have a full, bell-shaped skirt. You can practically hear a delighted ring as she made her way down the aisle, accompanied by her father, Mr. Nathan Rynolds. Her hair was elegantly pulled back, Helping to accentuate not only your lovely face, but the beautiful beadwork on the neckline of the ground as well. She carried a bouquet of white flowers fit for J-Lo. Her bridesmaids, four in all, wore orange formal dresses and carried the most unusual bouquets of orange and white flowers, complemented with black lace and orange and black ribbons. 
      The bride’s mother, glowing in a melon colored dress, couldn’t keep her emotions inside, alternating smiles with tears of joy (At least my dear readers, I hope they were tears of joy. Rumor has it… No… I just can’t spill a secret like this… That’s what the gossip columns are for!)
      The redheaded groom Donned and elegant blacks tuxes, as did his groomsprople. Breaking away from tradition, Mr. Kirkland’s attendance in their sharp black tuxedos, white shirts and orange bow ties, included his three brothers and none other than St. Louis most famous Animator, Anita Blake. She joined the boys, and wore a tuxedo too. Nice try, Anita! Even in Gentleman’s evening wear, you’re still St. Louis’s most stunning vampire-slaying vixen.
      But, of course, not as stunning as our October Nuptial Notation couple. Dear readers, please raise your glasses, and offer up your heartiest hurrah to…
       Mr. and Mrs. Larry Kirkland. We wish you the very best.

Burnt Offerings

Burnt Offerings, south St. Louis

    Stepping into Burnt Offerings on a Friday night, you’re likely to be greeted by a slightly toasted bride-to-be, singing Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” off-key with a makeshift veil hanging off of her head. Karaoke Night at Burnt Offerings is a sight, but the restaurant, run by people with a gift for camp, is a blast no matter when you arrive. It’s Halloween year-round with these folks—your waiter bares his vampire fangs when he brings your meal to the table. A mummy points a wrapped finger, directing patrons to a wall dedicated to anonymous portraits of 1960s and 1970s film stars. If you can guess enough identities correctly by midnight you win a free meal.
    The food is good too, but not spectacular. The Bela Lugosi burger is the biggest I’ve seen west of the Mississippi, but don’t forget to request it cooked or you may wind up with a slap of raw meat on a bun. French fries, thick cut and served with ketchup, melted cheese, or gravy, come heaped high on a huge plate and are a meal by themselves. Desserts are mediocre at best except for the warm brownie, which comes with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and swims in a pool of chocolate syrup. This is not a prime first date spot. But if you’re our on the town on a Friday night, you can’t beat Burnt Offerings for a good time.

Pulse on St. Louis

From the banks of the Mississippi to the late-night activity in the university city loop, the Show me State certainly has plenty of hotspots to keep it neat as interests occupied. We ask five St. Louisians to show us:
What is your favorite St. Louis hunt?

Don Rieck
(40; Salesman; Ladue):
“I think the Circus of The Damned is unparalleled. The floor show can’t be beat and the staff always makes me feel like I belong. I’ve never seen such realistic zombies.”

Bryant Tenorio
(26; Vampire; Richmond Heights):
“That bar in Branson, about a six-hour drive from St. Louis. Bloody bones! They make a bloody Mary that’s to die for.”

Elizabeth Hanslik
(28; Teacher; Chesterfield):
“Guilty pleasures. It’s great for bachelor parties, and Jean-Claude is definitely something to write home about.”

Justin Bell
(30; Real Estate Agent; University City):
“The lunatic café. The burgers are rare. The ribs just fall off the bone. And on some nights, they have an all you can eat special! The only problem is the staff keeps changing…”

Gossip Around Town

Your guide to who’s who and what’s what in St. Louis

Seen around town: Sexy Girl PI Veronica Sims in the company of Dr. Louis Fran, professor of biology at Washington University. When worlds collide, indeed!

Blind Item: What hot, hot, hot Guilty Pleasure stripper has been keeping house with what high-powered local gal? (Hint: he strips as Brandon, and she’s a very close personal friend of Jean-Claude’s.)

Lunatic Cafe

If you blink, you might miss this staple haunt, located in the heart of the college district. The proprietors have changed little about the layout of the former home, setting tables in smaller rooms off of the entryway, lending the establishment a homey and relaxed feel. College students and professionals alike crowd against the well-polished mahogany bar, happily sipping cocktails and waiting patiently up to forty minutes to be seated.

Once settled, it’s easy to see why people don’t mind the wait. The menu is delightfully simple, the comfortable, stick-to-your-ribs sort of cuisine that people run to after a bad day. My meatloaf was excellent, cooked perfectly, and smothered in delicious mushroom gravy. The green beans and spinach side were crisp and fresh, dressed simply in balsamic vinegar and served with almond slivers. Throughout the meal there seemed to be an endless supply of warm cornbread with fresh maple butter on the side. I did find a very long, coarse hair in my garlic mashed potatoes, which was strange given the extreme cleanliness of the restaurant, but the waiter more than made up for it with apple pie a la mode, free of charge. All told, the lunatic Cafe is a definite must-visit if your’re ever in University City.